What is so happy about this happy new year 2021. Is it truly happy?
Alert – This is a vent-out post. I have been holding up a lot for past 10 days and today I don’t seem to be able to keep it within.
Unexpected turn of events on the happy new year- 2021. Is it truly happy?
It was 31st Dec 6.30 pm when we (my husband, sister, me and my son) decided to take a chance and go shopping for new year cake. We had initially decided to bake it ourself but were just too lazy to do it After some disappointing sold out or booked displays we found one place which had cakes available. We all have heard that beggars are not choosers but the feeling is quite unsettling to experience. Nonetheless, what matters is we found a cake.
With just a basic cream cake we marched by home. Just as we entered I saw a tear in my mom’s eyes. She looked fit and there wasn’t any injury but we didn’t understand why she was crying. After washing hands and removing masks we came back to where she was sitting and she said – your Phufaji(Uncle) passed away.
Reliving those moments which you hide inside you – is it truly happy?
My Phufaji was my Dad’s guardian in Kolkata when he came to do his C.A. After marriage my mom had found a family away from home in Bhua(Paternal Aunt)and him. The relationship they have built over years was stronger than many blood relations. I could see my mom was devastated and I knew in my heart the sunken feeling. it was as if I had to see my dad go away one more time.
On the first day of the year we had to attend the condolence prayer via Zoom. You know its easier to attend prayer meet in person where you can ignore people and their voices for few minutes. In the Zoom call it was much more difficult and every body wanted to speak and share their heartfelt messages to the family. Seeing all the relatives I was having cold feet once again. It was everything happening all over.
Crying and unable to speak – is it a truly happy new year?
When his daughter asked us to speak. It was yet another mountain falling on our head. We could barely stop crying and talking wasn’t happening. After water and numerous breaths, my mom just managed to speak something and then we couldn’t speak again. Two hours of crying and helplessness left us pretty soured.
Every day we just talk on message with them Still unable to talk and console them. We can barely face each other personally(as we were crying all the time) how am I supposed to make someone feel better by talking over the phone. I found the time and moment to talk. It was while guiding regarding all the procedures to be done in banks, legal etc. Mum spoke to them. But it just breaks my heart every time. I am still unable to hear their voice. All the talking is on messages for me.
Happy new year 2021- a new experience and a new learning
The law of nature is so tough on us emotionally because we are attached to people, our perception of them, the memories of them, the feelings associated with all our interactions over time. It is not easy to suddenly accept that this person is not available for any one of us.
You know what, With a heavy heart I was somehow accepting the new normal in my house after my dad passed. But this new event has once again shaken everything. Don’t know when it will be okay, I know being positive, happy and cheerful is my mojo but in times like these, I need to pause. I need to accept the bigger truth about life which is death.
Experiences shape us everyday. I hope this experience makes me stronger tomorrow. I really wish I can make it a better place for my family again. Sometimes talking is the best way to help yourself. Like me if you are having something to share go ahead drop me an email or ping me at one of my social media handles.
My dad always said Kaka Be Cheerful.
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