I am one of the biggest optimists in my world of things. I do not give up on anything and there is always happiness and I look for that slightest glimmer of hope in the darkest of times.
Then, why did I stop or shut my biggest belief? Why did I completely give up writing my gratitude? Did I take a wrong turn down the hill to Judger pit or something? Read change your questions, change your life by Marilee Adams
Shamefully Yes. I started to get caught in a race called success. That led me to comparison because I was too focused on achieving something that I missed to see and enjoy my daily wins. I missed seeing how far I came in the last few years. Suddenly everything was about results and the hard work I was putting in that was no longer fun nor was the process.
Competition kills even if it is with yourself. I know I sound funny and stupid but that is true. I wanted to get better everyday so much so that I took away all the fun from my life. I wasn’t talking to friends, i wasn’t doing anything at all especially things like cleaning, cooking, dancing, playing with vaidik, writing, drawing, meeting with friends etc which used to make me feel grounded and in the present and alive.
Honestly the past year has given me tremendous growth, learning and achievements but I still feel incomplete, dissatisfied and unhappy. Because now I didn’t put all those things on my one and only balance sheet otherwise it would show that net profit is good . Rather my whole concern is high opex. In short I learnt quite a few things from a startup organization. Knowing finance is very important. YouTube is a great tool to learn basics in business finance, accounting etc. But there is missing content in life and compassion.
In the rat race with myself I was winning quite well but was just losing the sight of reality. Reality of life which has family, health and friends. Above everything COVID was playing a vicious predator about whom I could not find much info anywhere. It created situations such that I was never going to trust anyone ever.
You can call me filmy but just like Aamir Khan in 3 idiots even my dad used to say this, ‘work hard towards excellence and success will follow’. I could continue to run in the race but my true nature is contradicting and there is a constant clash within. It is this voice in my head that is nagging too hard now asking me to stop running and start smiling. It is asking me to slow down and play in the sand. It was always here I was just not listening because I thought by not listening I could focus on winning something that would be good to celebrate. Funny thing, celebration is never just for winning. It is for everyone and it is also for being present with the ones who make our lives worth living.
I tried so many meditations and read so many courses but to be honest only one thing works out of all the Mindvalley courses that is one thought- listen to your inner voice. Abraham Hicks says the same thing listen to your soul. All the best sellers together say the same thing like Louise hay – I can do it and I am healing myself.
If you see me laughing or smiling or giggling that doesn’t mean I am all done. I am steering myself in this new direction with the same old beliefs ‘kaka be cheerful’ and the age old attitude of gratitude.
Thank you for reading today. I feel so light after putting this out in words. It will be overwhelming but the struggle is real. And I think it is going to be fun hereafter because now I know I am a winner everyday and I must enjoy every minute of my life.
It’s very hard to write and express when for so long I was not writing or speaking my feelings but I am going to try and help myself. If you are going through something like this feel free to write to me who knows we could become good buddies and you might feel good in helping me or vice versa.
Few quotes that I keep thinking these days –
- Khudi ko kar buland itna ki har taqdir se pahle khuda khud bande se pooche bata teri Raza kya hai
- Karat karat abhyas ke jadhmati hoye sujan rasri away jaat dekh sil par padat Nishan
- Kal kare so aaj kar , aaj kare so ab, pal mein parlay hoyegi bahuri karego kab.
- with some twist- aaj kare so kaal kar, kaal late so parson, pal mein parlay hone sa rahi, jina hai kai barson
- Kaka be cheerful